In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
