o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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