I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
