Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my shit smells like andre
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
