Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
