I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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