I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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