Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
