if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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