Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
