I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize