someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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