so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
