You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize