the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize