someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
