he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
