I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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