I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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