That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I need water and some morals
Randomize
