oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
