Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
