i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you had me at cake vodka
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
