dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she pinky promised me she was 18
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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