Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
They took my balls.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
