If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize