Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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