Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
