I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
