Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
