You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
