just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
