I wish I could teleport
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
