dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
