Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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