I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
