Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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