I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
