I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize