Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
