someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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