there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
