She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
