I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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