i just sent this text using only my big toe
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
