I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
