I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Operation Purity has been aborted
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
