:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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