You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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