I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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