I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
