i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
