is your mom at the bar?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
