I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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