i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
