he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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