where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
