martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
