I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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