help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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