I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
