i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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