i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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